Friday, February 28, 2014

Five Years Without My Mom

Tomorrow marks the five year anniversary of my mom's passing. I honestly can't even believe she's been gone five years. The days and months and then years just accumulate and before you know it it's been five. I've been busy raising children and living a life - a life that I so wish that she could be a part of. Although, that's only partially true. The last few years, and particularly months, of her life were filled with so many challenges. Her days were filled with doctors appointments where she never found any answers. Her furniture was slowly taken out to make room for walkers, wheelchairs, and eventually a hospital bed. Her days revolved around which medication she had taken and what she still needed to take. Medicine time was full of stress because since the muscles in her throat didn't work properly she often choked on the pills that didn't give her much relief anyway. It was a vicious cycle. She was completely dependent on other people which I know destroyed her a little more each day.

It was not the life that she wanted to live and although I would love to have her here with us I would never want to make her live that life again. I know that she is in a happier place now. I just wish that life could have turned out differently for her. I wish that she never had to be sick. I wish that her life was not full of so many struggles. I wish that she could be here healthy to see her grandchildren. I know just how happy they would make her.

But since you can't live a life full of just wishes I'll tell you what I do. I remember her. I tell stories to my children about how amazing she was. I remember how much she sacrificed for me. I remember her smile and her laugh. I'm inspired by what she accomplished given her limitations. Most importantly, I remember that on my darkest days she is pulling for me and loving me - even if I can't see her.

Me and my Mom in 2002 (It's a shame we don't look alike!)

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