Monday, February 4, 2013

When Mr. Right is Not Right for You

When I was 20 years old, I got engaged to the boy I had been dating since I was a senior in high school. He was the first boy I ever dated. The first boy I ever kissed. He was four years older than me so as I was entering my freshman year of college he was completing his senior year of college. We dated faithfully all through my college years with visits every weekend and nightly phone calls. We were set to be married the October after I graduated college in 2001. I was beyond excited to plan the wedding and start the adventure that would be the rest of our lives.

I graduated in May and immediately started a full time job. This new job brought a whole new world with it. I worked in the city with a young crowd of people. We talked a lot. We went out a lot. We drank a lot. I was suddenly leaving a small(ish) town behind, taking the train to the city, and surrounded by people who were all different from me. It was exciting and eye opening. I started seeing a whole new world that stood in front of me. A world that I knew I would never fully explore if I got married in a couple of months. I pushed these hesitations and “cold feet” feelings off to the side and never told anyone from my “old” life about it. My new friends thought I was crazy for planning a wedding. I started to feel like I was living a double life.

October got closer and closer. In September my fiancé and I were planning on moving into a new apartment together. I started dragging my feet by saying that he could move in to the apartment and I would move in after the wedding. I sold it as it being a nice tradition of not living together before marriage but inside I was terrified of moving in with him. I knew deep down that it wasn’t what I wanted. The problem was that my fiancé was great. I could never say a bad word about him. He was Mr. Right. He didn’t do anything to make me change my feelings about the wedding. It was simply that I had graduated, grown up, and realized there was a whole world out there that I hadn’t explored yet.

I told myself that this was the life that I had chosen. How could I ever cancel the wedding? Getting engaged was a decision that I had made and I had to follow through on it. I couldn’t shake the feelings though. I can remember driving one day and thinking that if I had an accident and hit a tree that maybe we would need to post pone the wedding. I was NOT thinking of killing myself. After all, I had just discovered a new life that I wanted to live. But I was thinking that if I was injured (a broken leg, a minor hospital stay) that it would give me a reason to postpone – a reason that no one would question, a reason that wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

It was at that point that I knew that I had to come clean to my fiancé. It was by far one of the most difficult and emotional nights of my life. It was horrible but necessary. We ended up cancelling the wedding five weeks before the day we were set to be married. Invitations had been mailed the week before.  Keeping my feelings bottled up made my decision a complete shock to everyone.

I do wish that my change of heart and my path of discovery didn’t have to hurt people along the way. However, I know that my former “Mr. Right” would not have had the life that he deserved if he was married to someone who was not in it 100%. I look back on that decision and the months following as some of the most challenging of my life. I know now that it was a path that I had to go down to get me to where I am today. I have never doubted that I made the right decision and that I am living the life that I was destined to live. It turns out that sometimes Mr. Right is just not right for you.


  1. I soooo get that. I also married my first boyfriend. However, we had broken up, he got married, had kids, and divorced. We met up again and thought it was meant to be. Once those invitations were mailed I knew it was all wrong. By that point we were already building a house. Attached to Mom's. I felt obligated to marry him. I did, completely regretted it, and a month after moving into the house I started begging for a divorce. You were so lucky to figure out BEFORE the wedding that you weren't ready. I wish I had done what you did and canceled before instead of having to go through a bitter divorce!

  2. I can't even imagine how hard that was for you, but you absolutely made the right decision. Imagine if you had followed through with it - you would have had so much more to deal with (divorce, etc). Hopefully, in time, he realized that you did him a favor.

  3. Wow! Yes, timing is important. I had a boyfriend fro 3 1/2 years in college. I knew he was thinking of marriage and I was totally not ready for that yet. It ended badly but I've never regretted the decision!

  4. What an interesting story of self-discovery & making the hard decision! I am eternally grateful for all my 20-some boyfriends who did NOT propose. I would've wound up divorced and quite possibly in prison.

    Things sometimes work out how they're supposed to, no?

  5. You were so brave! I know you might not see it as brave, since you were scared to come clean to him about your change of heart. But if it wasn't scary you wouldn't have needed to be brave to do it. I bet you must just sigh a big sigh of relief when you think of that "bullet" you dodged, even if he was the perfect bullet.

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